Finished NaNo for this year. Well, finish and finish, got to 50k words all right, but the story didn't even start. I did get scene in with Gwen thinking over the disaster that's been her life so far. Also, sadness because her hero of a brother got killed and left behind, even though he's a prince. Suckness for that.

But I am done. Perhaps forever. I don't think I can do NaNo ever again, it's just too painful, especially with stories I don't know well enough, or care enough.

But I said the same thing last year, and look at me now. A winner, technically. Can't even get the bloody certificate to work on my old old version of Adobe Reader or whatever... So, have to download a new version, except first I have to register and give'em all sorts of groovy information about myself (and my bank account at some point, I'm sure), and then.. then I have to verify my email address twice, cos I guess they just like being dicks, and then they further ram that fact in by insisting I download an Adobe Download Manager, before I can finally get the bloody trial blah blah version of Acrobat 9.

Pahhhhh! -_-

Also, it is taking forever. This is so wrong.


Also also, while being away today, and after returning home, I find out that there has been evil things going on in our computers. For about two weeks mine and my mother's computers have been remotely controlled, apparently, because there was a lacking password somewhere, but my brother has apparently fixed this. Which is good, because now F-Secure can actually update again, which it has been unable to do. Suckness, but I thought nothing of it.

More suckness for the fuckers trying to steal out stuff - we gots nothing to take! Haha! The joke's on you, nowgodieplz.

Anyway... I need to rest now. Sleep is calling for me. And I want to drop on its arms and let it heal me forever... ~_~

So tired... For the past few weeks I've been exhausted all the time - all the damn time... Mostly because of school and all its works piling up, being late, making mistakes, not understanding enough, not doing enough.. but also with the added stress of NaNo. This November has been almost nothing but hell.

I've kept up with writing; why? It doesn't really help me in any way in any direction. I haven't even really written the story I was supposed to, I'm doing much the same thing as last year, writing about the histories of different characters. Yes, in story form, but they're not in any way part of the actual story. Admitted, I've found a lot of fun things about them, and interesting events, but still...

I could've used all that time to sleep a little more, not be late so often, and actually get things done on time for once. And now I've gone and dragged my partner to the same lateness mess with my mess-ups. She had her personal work ready like over a week ago, I'm barely midway. And the customer job we're doing? She's done most of it. I don't even know what the hell I've been doing, but it feels like I've done nothing, and she just slaves away. I mean, honestly, what gives? Why am I so slow?

I feel so useless sometimes! Got nothing worth giving that someone else doesn't have (and more and better), got no words to say that wouldn't come out wrong, got no sense of morality or backbone to kick me through things. Got nothing. Just.. nothing.

I'm just so goddamn tired I want to.. I don't know, kick someone. Maybe myself, if I had the energy. And so apathetic. I think I'm lying to everyone all the time, looking cheery and assuring them that yes, I love life and working and giving my time for others, and at that moment I usually believe myself too.. but afterwardS? I just couldn't care less about other people. I'm too busy moping about my own sad little life.

That's why I leave my room. I have to. I'd kill myself if I just sat here every day.

And I know that that wouldn't really fix anything in the end.

A quickie about NaNo. I wrote little over 1000 words, which got me above today's quota, just. I don't really know what's going to happen next, anyway. I wrote a little dialogue between two nothern clan leaders, but that didn't really go anywhere, and then I went with finding out about Adoun. Okay, so he gets dumped at a church, and gets totally taken in by god's grace, because this priest guy wasn't even going to check the place, but did go because he had a 'feeling'. And then there was a baby! And now he's a kid, and apparently his 'uncle' shows up to claim him or something, but everyone has a bit of an odd feeling about him. And I really doubt he's Adoun's uncle. The guy does claim to know why Adoun was named like he was, and get this: turns out, that there was a note with him, asking only that he be named Adoun Jiverge (say it with a French accent!) and nothing else. Well! I think he might be making it up, though, but the priest just left to go and get him while little Adoun waits with mixed feelings. And I'll be continuing from that tomorrow...


In other news, my brother, I guess, is angry at me because I don't spend time with my father. Because I was away in another town for the night. Because my class had organised a small dinner, afterwards three of us went to a friend and watched a movie. My my! Then we talked and giggled and laughed, and slept. And then we watched two movies more. Heavens!

Well, yesterday was a lot of fun, and most of today too. Well, you know, except until my brother tells me off. He has a point, but is very bad at getting them out. Ends up being a jerk, which of course doesn't work.

Well, jerk's behaviour isn't the best way to get me to make compromises.. :\

So, now I've got Leofric and Astrid together, and married. Time to take a detour around the other countries in the world. My first craving was towards west, because it's so much and much unexplored plot land. I've come up with names for some of the countries, but not all of them.

One somewhat minor character comes from Sarga, which is below Wull, which are west from Delunia, which is directly west from Aylee. I've named him Adoun Jiverge (say it with a french accent!), and he's to be the bishop of Aylee's church for the time that Leofric lives, and till Gwen is born. He's old enough and dies at 80 something before Godrick's birth. Basically, he's an orphan, given to a church to be taken care of, and he goes into a monastery at a young age, then leaves with an older brother/father as a teen to go and teach the Aylee about the western faith. And then follows some more history.

I'm just curious, because for all the time I've ever thought about the kingdom story, my focus has always been mostly just Aylee. When I started planning more for this, this year, I started to find out that the world is a LOT bigger than just Aylee and Alsoth. It's got a while sphere of lands! Most of them don't feature in anyway in the story, because some are so forgotten, that people don't even know they exist. But they sort of do in my mind, which is the cool part.

And that's what I want to find out next, before getting into the birth of Garrick and what happens to him and etc.. I want to figure out what kind of nations the western kingdoms are, and the southern empire, and the northern clans too. And even Alsoth, because it's bit of a mystery as well! It all is! And it's so much fun! ^_^



Also, a bit of an update. At 37406 words now, and my nano progress report is claiming it's not a good amount. Keeps showing me red for my wordcount, even though it's above tomorrow's quota! Hmh. I wrote about 1100 and something words just now, and am calling it a night. I doubt I'll be able to write anything tomorrow, because I'll be gone all day, and even spending the night elsewhere. Suck much? Not really, I've good friend company. :) And I'm sure I'll have time to write on sunday, in the evening.





... now was there something else I meant to say before I fall asleep...?

Oh yes. Kid, from a previous post? Well, Kid said to me yesterday that they aren't annoyed at me anymore, which is good. I think we can try and talk again. I just wish I knew what threw Kid off me, and what exactly made Kid change their mind.. Maybe I'll find out tomorrow. I'm kind of curious. But also with a bit of dread. :\

Back on track with the writing. Now at 31715 words, today's goal is supposed to be 31673 words, exactly. So, I caught up! Which is needed, because it's looking like I won't be doing any writing on saturday, so I'ma gonna need to try and get ahead again. Oh well. :)

It's an interesting scene, surprising me. You see, Loftva has just been made a lieutenant, and the guy who originally enlisted him, lieutenant-ambassador Callach, now just a senior lieutenant without the ambassador's sash, is also there and they've gone away to talk about the good ol' days (Loftva's barely below thirty, Callach like forty or something), and blah blah, dialogue happens. Then the king comes in and I realise that Callach is going to try and kill Leofric (the king!). And I don't know why. I mean, what's his reasoning? We may never find out. But he tries anyway. He's seemingly drunk now, but Loftva's not easily fooled. See, he's smart enough to see behind Callach' fake drunkenness, he just has no idea why he's doing that. Mostly because all they've had is some warmed, maybe a little spiced wine, and because Callach is an ambassador he ought to be able to take a lot more before coming inebriated, because they drink well enough in the south too. So, yeah, Loftva is suspicious, even when he's seemingly completely focusing on his talk with the king, who's just sort of standing there.

So, (this is going to happen next and I shall go and write it..) suddenly Callach jumps, pulls out a knife, without a word tries to lunge at the kind, who barely has time to go 'huh? When Loftva is already smashing his wine goblet at Callach, who probably gets the drink in his eyes, and has to close'em, which gives Loftva just enough time to grab the hand, and the knife, and throw him to the floor. And then the king reacts.

Something like that anyway.

I wonder why Callach does it, though. I really thought he was a good guy! :\


Wait, there was something else... oh yeah. I'm sick with a flu. Oh, well a cough now, just. But it started with an achey throat, which turned into cough, and now it's been almost a week. So annoying. >:\ But I'm still rewarding my caughting upness with chocolate, and that's that. Also, a widget widget, so the first one doesn't just drop down below...

Hah, my writing's been awfully irregular. The widget thing keeps giving red to me for almost all the days... And I'm late with my word count too. I did write a long scene about one of the characters killing a huge bear, and saving the lives of potentially four people. Two horses got killed though, oh dear. And one of the men did lose his other men, but it was his left, and he's right handed, so he'll probably pull through. No more using a bow though. Or real fighting, I think. He might be put into a teaching position, where he gets to shout and beat young enlistees. :p

I'm at.. 21870 words, today is needed 26672 words. That was from 17k and some. I started writing about 10pm, late, but I got home late too. And made, what, close to four thousand words or something, in pretty much just one scene. It was a pretty big one, though.

Now Loftva's finally getting in to the actual army. He survives a bunch of battles, proves himself, gets better at fighting and generally hardens. Then, what, he gets some kind of promotion, I think pretty quickly, maybe... Then, it's time for all kinds of fun stuff, as he finally gets his life saved by someone else, that being the young young king of Aylee, Leofric. And then they get to fight together and become friends, before Leofric discovers girls. :P Well, he'll be like twenty something by then, so it's high time. Loftva becomes more and more serious as he grows older. He gets into the old guy grumpy state in about age forty. And then it's like twenty years of that. No wonder Garrick will grow up to become a little serious.

Oh dear. So much to write...!

grr

Darn blogger refuses to accept my NaNo widget, so I'll put it up here...

So... NaNo's starting in a little less than an hour. I figure, since I will be busy and gone away for most of tomorrow (and the day after that, and the days after that...) I best start at midnight and get at least some writing done. No idea how this month'll go on, but I hope. That's all I can do, right?

Well, that and write, obviously.


But since it is not yet Nov 1st over here, I have to come up with something to spend that time. Guess what? Time for a blogpost! There's a couply of things I've been meaning to write out...

The biggest problematic thing right now concerns a person I know. Sometime early this year something happened - I'm not sure what exactly - and it caused a rift between me and this person. Let's call this person .. Kid, for simplicity's sake. Try not to read into it too much. I didn't at first know there was a rift in existence (or deepening), mostly because I've never had anything against Kid, and still don't.

So, Kid was pretty darn busy with this project, about rococo outfits along with another friend. Together they were fretting about fabrics, fabric colours and all kinds of things, how they had to get schoolwork done, when they'd manage to work on their outfits, getting all of them done in time, because they were supposed to have them for photo shoots and all sorts of other things that life usually throws at us. Mostly because of that I tried to leave them alone some, give'em both space and time to hassle their stuff, because, well.. I didn't really have pressing things to talk with them. You know, nothing that couldn't have waited until the train ride back home, because Kid shared my route almost exactly. Kid leaves off at a station just before mine, so we'd sat together a bunch of times, chatting about stuff. I'll let you know we were never the best of friends (I haven't many of those, being rather shy and reserved by nature).

It took me time until I started wondering if everything was alright, because Kid didn't come to speak to me any either. I thought "Well, Kid's busy, oh well", and no more. But Kid did speak to other friends. I wasn't entirely sure whether Kid was singling me out or not, so I tried not to concern myself. But then a couple of times I noticed Kid walked briskly either well ahead of me, or well behind me and went to sit in a different carriage then I. I admit, when Kid went first I didn't try following, because I wasn't sure whether Kid was annoyed at me or not, and conflict situations scare the heck out of me. I avoid them as best as I can, and that's one of the biggest reasons I thought the whole not-talking-to-each-other was just a huge misunderstanding. I thought, maybe Kid thinks I'm mad at him or something, when it was really the other way around, or was it...

And then the first year ended and we still weren't talking to each other. I once asked some mutual friends about Kid; was Kid perhaps mad at me or something..? But they said they didn't know, and I should just talk to Kid. But I didn't - I didn't want to cause a fight, where things that should never be said might get said. Oh well.

This fall, nothing changed. I still didn't talk to Kid, and vice versa. By now I was pretty sure something was wrong, and more than just a misunderstanding. But I still had no idea what exactly was the problem and what I could do about it (if anything). Kid had finished the rococo project along with our friend and their end results ended up pretty damn cool (and pretty!). I visited Kid's devArt page every now and then to see the photos, mostly out of interest and curiosity. I wanted to ask Kid about them some, to show that I had nothing against Kid, and hey, couldn't we talk some, you know, this is your work, I like it, tell me more... But I shied away. (I know, I know!)

Before the start of the second term, a friend gave me and the other rococo making friend a ride to a little further than just the usual train station (she's cool like that!). During the ride I talked some to the other friend, making some jokes. Now that I think back (and in the light of some other things), I see that I must have sounded very rude. I by no means meant to insult the other friend, although I can see that my words could've sounded bad. I'm sorry about that now, but didn't actually realise that (I thought the other friend understood my meaning, but misunderstandings happen :\ ), until...

I came home, checked my devArt page and found I'd gotten a note from Kid. Well, Kid had finally decided to open up and let me know Kid despises me for my rude and arrogant nature, that I'd been treating Kid badly and haughtily since before school (we were in the same workshop before we got in), that I'd been critisizing Kid's works, looks, English skills and just generally acted like I was better than Kid and that I had no right to do that, and that that made me seem to Kid as a lonely, viscious-minded individual who's lived her life making others feel bad, and for those reasons Kid saw no reason to ever talk to me. Ever.

Let's just say I was more than just a little crushed to find this out. I certainly wasn't expecting that much anger and I had honestly no idea where it had come from, and how ever it could have come from such a long time period. If I'd been so terrible all along (and apparently detested by everyone at workshop too), why did Kid talk to me in the first place? After a moment of gathering myself back together I texted the other friend, apologising; I didn't mean to insult, I was just joking - very badly, I saw now. My bad. It took a day or two until I managed to write a response to Kid, but I don't know if Kid ever even read it. Because Kid's still not talking to me. Actually, Kid's acting like nothing ever happened, just like Kid always acted during all this time. But occasionally, the two of them avoid our group in the luncheteria (is that even a real word?), and they go sit at a different table together. I don't know if it's because Kid doesn't want to sit in the same table as me (or anywhere near me), but I hope that's not it, because it would be somewhat childish. And Kid's my age, too.

The thing is, we have differences of opinions, and even beliefs. I guess those are that makes Kid dislike me. I don't know - this is just my speculation - but perhaps Kid dislikes me so, because Kid has had a past of having religion stuffed down on Kid, and because I'm religious (with unpopular beliefs), Kid sees me as just the continuation of all those times Kid was forced to repress themself, and just can't see the real me? If Kid always chooses to see my words and actions in a bad light, Kid's bound to hate me for sure. That's what misunderstandings are, in the end. Things get said, someone interprets them differently. If they're chosen to be interpreted badly ("surely he/she meant this about me, how dare they, like they know anything, they're always saying stuff like that, always"), then is it really a surprise when relationships go sour?

Well. There's two things I can do and they haven't changed since Kid stopped paying me any attention. I can either confront Kid somehow, ask things, just try to have a conversation or anything - or... Ignore Kid like Kid ignores me.

I guess that's the easiest way out. Not that it's good. I feel it's a bit of a sore point in our class, but very minor. I doubt most have even noticed. There are bigger problems in our class, which I won't get into now. I just hope things didn't end up like they did. I mean, did Kid really have to wait until the last straw to chew me out? Maybe Kid doesn't like confrontations either. I mean, who really knows the mind of another? I sure don't.


But I sure as hell have never been arrogant. With my past of passive aggressive depression I sure have never thought myself better either. I'm just bloody shy, I curl inside my shell, because it's so much easier right there and then, if not in the long run. I know I have faults - I'm just human for crying out loud! I can't exactly work on my problems if no one ever informs me I have some that piss them off. Communication is the key - but I will not force that down Kid's throat if it's easier for Kid to just sullenly not ever, ever talk to me ever again. Ever.



Yay, social drama. Ugh...

Vanha runo

Siivouksen aikana löytää vanhoja helmiä. Tämä on hetken inspiraatiosta seurannut surrealistinen pieni pätkä. Tai jotain sinne päin. Muistan että silloin alunperin olin hirveän ylpeä tästä. :) Eipä se yhtään huonolta vaikuta... ^_^

Keskipäivän kuupiirakkaa,
maukasta,
Kuupensaiden puolukoista,
pihlajoista, ruutanoista.
Siitä menestys kevätpirtin syksyjuhliin,
siitä,
Ja pienistä tossuista isoilla käsillä.

Your result for The Attachment Style Test...

The Exile

53% Anxiety Over Abandonment and 58% Avoidance Of Intimacy

You are uncomfortable getting close to others. You want emotionally close relationships, but you find it difficult to trust others completely. You feel that people don't fully understand you, and to be honest you're not certain you fully understand yourself. You never wanted it to happen, but now you're an outcast and you're resigned to your fate. They think you're not good enough? Well, you figure, maybe that's true. You don't need them, anyway.

Fictional character with whom you might identify: Elphaba (Wicked), Smeagol/Gollum (The Lord of the Rings)

Take The Attachment Style Test at HelloQuizzy