So... NaNo's starting in a little less than an hour. I figure, since I will be busy and gone away for most of tomorrow (and the day after that, and the days after that...) I best start at midnight and get at least some writing done. No idea how this month'll go on, but I hope. That's all I can do, right?

Well, that and write, obviously.


But since it is not yet Nov 1st over here, I have to come up with something to spend that time. Guess what? Time for a blogpost! There's a couply of things I've been meaning to write out...

The biggest problematic thing right now concerns a person I know. Sometime early this year something happened - I'm not sure what exactly - and it caused a rift between me and this person. Let's call this person .. Kid, for simplicity's sake. Try not to read into it too much. I didn't at first know there was a rift in existence (or deepening), mostly because I've never had anything against Kid, and still don't.

So, Kid was pretty darn busy with this project, about rococo outfits along with another friend. Together they were fretting about fabrics, fabric colours and all kinds of things, how they had to get schoolwork done, when they'd manage to work on their outfits, getting all of them done in time, because they were supposed to have them for photo shoots and all sorts of other things that life usually throws at us. Mostly because of that I tried to leave them alone some, give'em both space and time to hassle their stuff, because, well.. I didn't really have pressing things to talk with them. You know, nothing that couldn't have waited until the train ride back home, because Kid shared my route almost exactly. Kid leaves off at a station just before mine, so we'd sat together a bunch of times, chatting about stuff. I'll let you know we were never the best of friends (I haven't many of those, being rather shy and reserved by nature).

It took me time until I started wondering if everything was alright, because Kid didn't come to speak to me any either. I thought "Well, Kid's busy, oh well", and no more. But Kid did speak to other friends. I wasn't entirely sure whether Kid was singling me out or not, so I tried not to concern myself. But then a couple of times I noticed Kid walked briskly either well ahead of me, or well behind me and went to sit in a different carriage then I. I admit, when Kid went first I didn't try following, because I wasn't sure whether Kid was annoyed at me or not, and conflict situations scare the heck out of me. I avoid them as best as I can, and that's one of the biggest reasons I thought the whole not-talking-to-each-other was just a huge misunderstanding. I thought, maybe Kid thinks I'm mad at him or something, when it was really the other way around, or was it...

And then the first year ended and we still weren't talking to each other. I once asked some mutual friends about Kid; was Kid perhaps mad at me or something..? But they said they didn't know, and I should just talk to Kid. But I didn't - I didn't want to cause a fight, where things that should never be said might get said. Oh well.

This fall, nothing changed. I still didn't talk to Kid, and vice versa. By now I was pretty sure something was wrong, and more than just a misunderstanding. But I still had no idea what exactly was the problem and what I could do about it (if anything). Kid had finished the rococo project along with our friend and their end results ended up pretty damn cool (and pretty!). I visited Kid's devArt page every now and then to see the photos, mostly out of interest and curiosity. I wanted to ask Kid about them some, to show that I had nothing against Kid, and hey, couldn't we talk some, you know, this is your work, I like it, tell me more... But I shied away. (I know, I know!)

Before the start of the second term, a friend gave me and the other rococo making friend a ride to a little further than just the usual train station (she's cool like that!). During the ride I talked some to the other friend, making some jokes. Now that I think back (and in the light of some other things), I see that I must have sounded very rude. I by no means meant to insult the other friend, although I can see that my words could've sounded bad. I'm sorry about that now, but didn't actually realise that (I thought the other friend understood my meaning, but misunderstandings happen :\ ), until...

I came home, checked my devArt page and found I'd gotten a note from Kid. Well, Kid had finally decided to open up and let me know Kid despises me for my rude and arrogant nature, that I'd been treating Kid badly and haughtily since before school (we were in the same workshop before we got in), that I'd been critisizing Kid's works, looks, English skills and just generally acted like I was better than Kid and that I had no right to do that, and that that made me seem to Kid as a lonely, viscious-minded individual who's lived her life making others feel bad, and for those reasons Kid saw no reason to ever talk to me. Ever.

Let's just say I was more than just a little crushed to find this out. I certainly wasn't expecting that much anger and I had honestly no idea where it had come from, and how ever it could have come from such a long time period. If I'd been so terrible all along (and apparently detested by everyone at workshop too), why did Kid talk to me in the first place? After a moment of gathering myself back together I texted the other friend, apologising; I didn't mean to insult, I was just joking - very badly, I saw now. My bad. It took a day or two until I managed to write a response to Kid, but I don't know if Kid ever even read it. Because Kid's still not talking to me. Actually, Kid's acting like nothing ever happened, just like Kid always acted during all this time. But occasionally, the two of them avoid our group in the luncheteria (is that even a real word?), and they go sit at a different table together. I don't know if it's because Kid doesn't want to sit in the same table as me (or anywhere near me), but I hope that's not it, because it would be somewhat childish. And Kid's my age, too.

The thing is, we have differences of opinions, and even beliefs. I guess those are that makes Kid dislike me. I don't know - this is just my speculation - but perhaps Kid dislikes me so, because Kid has had a past of having religion stuffed down on Kid, and because I'm religious (with unpopular beliefs), Kid sees me as just the continuation of all those times Kid was forced to repress themself, and just can't see the real me? If Kid always chooses to see my words and actions in a bad light, Kid's bound to hate me for sure. That's what misunderstandings are, in the end. Things get said, someone interprets them differently. If they're chosen to be interpreted badly ("surely he/she meant this about me, how dare they, like they know anything, they're always saying stuff like that, always"), then is it really a surprise when relationships go sour?

Well. There's two things I can do and they haven't changed since Kid stopped paying me any attention. I can either confront Kid somehow, ask things, just try to have a conversation or anything - or... Ignore Kid like Kid ignores me.

I guess that's the easiest way out. Not that it's good. I feel it's a bit of a sore point in our class, but very minor. I doubt most have even noticed. There are bigger problems in our class, which I won't get into now. I just hope things didn't end up like they did. I mean, did Kid really have to wait until the last straw to chew me out? Maybe Kid doesn't like confrontations either. I mean, who really knows the mind of another? I sure don't.


But I sure as hell have never been arrogant. With my past of passive aggressive depression I sure have never thought myself better either. I'm just bloody shy, I curl inside my shell, because it's so much easier right there and then, if not in the long run. I know I have faults - I'm just human for crying out loud! I can't exactly work on my problems if no one ever informs me I have some that piss them off. Communication is the key - but I will not force that down Kid's throat if it's easier for Kid to just sullenly not ever, ever talk to me ever again. Ever.



Yay, social drama. Ugh...