Today, when I was preparing to do some cooking, I took a knife, a bell pepper (or a red pepper) and sliced it in half.


The inside was partially blackened and there seemed to be some kind of dark brown, small slug like bug there.

It wasn't moving, but I was nonetheless thoroughly disgusted.


I'm still hungry, but also still disgusted. >_<

I understand that there are different ways to handle grief and sorrow. When my grandmother from father's side died, I didn't know how I was supposed to feel, because she was the first person close to pass away. And even though it had been some years since she and I had been.. well, close is as a good as any, like a grandchildren and grandmother can be, mostly because of her illness and my own unsocial ways. But then I get a call from my father, and... she'd been in the hospital for a while, and I'd disliked visiting her because I couldn't stand to see her like that..

But you know, I was sad about it for maybe, five minutes. And then I stopped thinking about it. I don't mean the matter itself stopped being important, but that I literally refused to think about it. I just didn't, and then I didn't feel sad anymore. Occasionally, when I do bring to mind memories, I get sad, but I put all those feelings away again. And I'm not sure if that's the best way to go about these kind of things. I don't feel any way repressed, rather than embarrassed. I'm afraid I'm going hurt someone else, who's maybe more, well, vocal or feeling about their emotions by being seemingly cold and uncaring. Not that it was any kind of a problem in her funeral, I was plenty sad then. But I can't help but wonder if part of that sadness, that crying, was just me in a way reacting to the feelings of everyone else, not myself over her passing. Because I think back and I just can't be sure...

The idea is a bit uncomfortable. I don't want to think I'm a hollow person, but just that I deal with grief in a way, that's... I don't know. Block it away, let it simmer down to a simple thought, a feeling so light it only barely touches the inner me. And when I occasionally think back on everything, all I feel is slight discomfort over the fact that I'm not crying my eyes out because my family member died, or an old friend, or an acquaintance. It does feel terribly cold. But I don't know what else I should do. Even, do I need to do anything else?

All this because, I got a call from a friend today, telling me that our mutual friend has passed away. It was expected, in a way. She'd had cancer for a long while now, and none of the treatments really stopped it in a way. And yet I feel like everything just happened so quickly. I mean, she was still alive just last week, and now she's gone. How does that happen? Suddenly, out of the blue, the flame of life in someone just.. goes out. A horrible thought.

The positive side is she didn't die suffering. It was peaceful, like falling asleep, never waking up. I'm sure my friend is more shaken about it, than I am. They were closer, afterall. Me and her, well, we'd shared more time together in the past, not so much these days. I'm not sure if I'm going to feel greatly sad now, or maybe a little later.. Or ever. The feelings are there, but .. am I going to let myself wonder over them, or just ignore all that and go about my life like nothing ever happened? Most likely the latter.

I'm not going to tell my friend that, though. As understanding as she is, I doubt she'd quite be okay with that. And I'd rather she be at peace from any exra grievances from me. She's had enough with everything else going on in her life as it is.





Joten... Jos sinua muistelen, Hilu, Helena, muistan kaipauksella. Mikäli se hyväksi nähdään, tavataan taas paratiisissa.

I complained I don't do any writing anymore, but I suppose that might be because my creative powers have shifted to a different position, different matters. Unfortunately, it's school. Currently I'm supposed to be making, what, five or six pictures of different kinds of dresses, for separate purposes. Since today we didn't have school at all (the teacher being absent), but because we have to make up for the lost hours by doing a .. well, kind of study of clothing through history. Everyone got to choose a time period, beginning from biblic times all the way to like.. fifties, I think. Although some people insisted they get to pick 80's, or 70's, and the teacher gave in. Because ten years is already, like sooo history. Anyway, I got me some medieval themes. Late medieval, in fact,gothic period. 1200-1480, latest. We have to write one page, I don't know, describing the usual type of clothing that was worn during the time and draw one picture with suitable clothing in it (with a person inside). Not too bad, I rather like the dresses nobility wore back then. Second picture is just general work for school, for the jacket I'm working on (and with which I'm still late). A fashion picture, which is a standard part of all our works. The three of four are supposed to be of different kinds of women's jackets and are for missing hours on another class. Since I got the assigment, I was absent from that class one more time, so I'm not sure if I have to do one more, or just the three I was meant to do originally. Of course, these were supposed to have been turned in by this week. I haven't even started yet. And next week's holiday, so... Yes, I have problems. But why not just draw the damn pictures then? It can't be so hard... Well, no, if one even partly likes drawing. And I don't enjoy it one bit. >.<

In other creative news... I've somehow got into my mind I can make pretty jewellery and wish to make some pretty headdresses/bands/tiaras or whatevers for a couple of friends at school. I'm lacking equipment though, not to mention all necessary stuff for making them at all. I've been trying to think up some good way on how to make them, but haven't really advanced anywhere yet. I'm still sort of hopeful though. Just need to get some money first. :\

Still about creativity: I don't want to write in English right now. Well, not stories. I've got an itch to get some Finnish writing going on and I like the idea. I just have no idea what to write. There's the.. Spirit Times? Henkiajat, story of four, 4n_tarina, that is, the first NaNo story I ever did. I could start rewriting that, but the idea just doesn't draw to me. Part of me wants to start working on the Underworld one, part of me insists I focus on TMC (because it has most potential right now, perhaps), and a part of me is lusting after some hot Mary Sue-filled fanfiction (*blushes*)... and, and... Heck, who knows, maybe even a whole new story! But basically, the want is there, but the motivation has gone rampant on someone else. Can't certainly find any hiding near me. :\

At least I did get some cleaning done in my room. Well, it was basically just one spot, but it looks a lot nicer now! Okay, so all the stuff on it ended up on my bed and because it's nighttime and I'm going to bed soon, all that stuff if just going to end up on the floor... But I'm sure I'll maybe do something about it in the morni- afternoon. Or something. I mean, I need my sleep. Don't I?

So, turns out I'm not much an everyday writer anymore. Not that I've ever really been. The only creative writing thing that's happened lately is my decision to try and continue TMC (Troll , Mermaid, Centaur). With that, as I've been having troubles with the first chapter of second part, where the heroes are supposed to meet a bunch of giant grasshoppers who advice them on a direction they ought to take, but I just haven't been able to get in on that. So, I pretty much decided that I'll just Hasu, the centaur, brighter than what he was originally supposed to be and skip the hopper scene entirely. I felt a bit more relaxed after that, but not entirely happy. I also wrote some practise dialogue in my notebook, but nothing bigger has happened yet.

Also, as per more of writing business, I'm not entirely sure I'll be wanting to do NaNo again this year. I enjoy it - if - I know what I'm doing with the story. If I'm not sure where the characters are going, or what they're like, it's just overly painful to write. That is exactly what happened last November, and although I technically got to 50,000 words, I felt absolutely nothing good for it. The amount of words, well, that was all that I had left in my hands when I'd finished, and they were all pretty much useless. I don't want to put myself through something I can't even enjoy at some point. And I've run out of stories I'm more or less enough familiar with. I have to know the story, at least some chapters before I do any actual writing, I have to be able to imagine in my mind. If I don't have that, I freeze. I'm not one of those writers who just 'let the characters lead', or 'go where the story goes'. Probably because if I just let go and write, it's going to be nothing but utter crap, and I'd rather write something I can pick through and find maybe one or two good points. Or even three, if I've been careful. :\

Also, it's no fun if you're doing it completely alone. >.<



School is stressing me out. I never sleep enough (*kicks the computer*), I have to wake up early just to be early (because I simply cannot come to school at the same time as everyone else, but half an hour before), and I'm literally late with my work. Currently, we are making a women's jacket. I'm making mine for my mother, one because I'd prefer to save my few droplets of income on something else, and two because they're not really my style anyway. Now, to make sure it fits, we need to make a prototype, fit that, make changes and possibly make a new prototype to see if it fits better with the changes. Currently, I have the parts on paper with some changes, but no.. hmm.. the ... dammit. Space, for the seams. The line... Argh. This is the bad side of getting through school faster. No language studies. Anyway, not quite everyone is ready to cut their fabrics, but most are a lot further than I am, and I'm still sure I'm going to end up changing the whole thing a second time. Jackets are tricky.

As for the shorter amount of time in school. Since I've already completed, well, high school's probably the closest, one upper secondary education, and since vocational is the same lever as high school, the only thing my class needs to study is the actual sewing and all that pattern studies thing. We don't get any math, languages, gym.. physics, chemistry, I think the ordinary class has to do one philosophy class too. Basically, everything my class has already done. So we don't get any of that now. Still... It doesn't really make much sense, because we are supposed to be able to talk about these things in English and Swedish and we certainly didn't cover these kind of particular words back in high school language classes. It's unfair I tell you.

I do wonder if I would be able to buy a work-based dictionary somewhere... :\ Mmm. I miss English studies.



And now, since I can't think of more to write about, I guess I should go to bed then. Try and sleep some for once.

A humble beginning

Basically, I got tired of Xanga. It just wasn't pretty enough, shame enough. Not that it was particularly bad to use, no. At least, it's layout was a lot more versatile, than this, and at least easier to change. You know, if you wanted to use something else than premade skins. Oh well.

Perhaps I will manage to write more often, also. If I remember.

The thing is, not much really happens in my life. I go to school and I could talk about that, but most of the time it'd only be complaints and fun stuff like that, because I am an unpleasant and pessimistic person. Yesterday, I was pretty down because I didn't get enough attention a friend at school. You know, not that it was important that they were tired (not having slept at all in the previous night) and falling sick. It was just me, me, me, nobody likes me and surely they'll soon stop talking to me completely...

And honestly. Who wants to read that?



... Would anyone like to trade away overly powerful emotions? I got enough to share. Mostly bad ones. But you're still welcome to them.