I understand that there are different ways to handle grief and sorrow. When my grandmother from father's side died, I didn't know how I was supposed to feel, because she was the first person close to pass away. And even though it had been some years since she and I had been.. well, close is as a good as any, like a grandchildren and grandmother can be, mostly because of her illness and my own unsocial ways. But then I get a call from my father, and... she'd been in the hospital for a while, and I'd disliked visiting her because I couldn't stand to see her like that..

But you know, I was sad about it for maybe, five minutes. And then I stopped thinking about it. I don't mean the matter itself stopped being important, but that I literally refused to think about it. I just didn't, and then I didn't feel sad anymore. Occasionally, when I do bring to mind memories, I get sad, but I put all those feelings away again. And I'm not sure if that's the best way to go about these kind of things. I don't feel any way repressed, rather than embarrassed. I'm afraid I'm going hurt someone else, who's maybe more, well, vocal or feeling about their emotions by being seemingly cold and uncaring. Not that it was any kind of a problem in her funeral, I was plenty sad then. But I can't help but wonder if part of that sadness, that crying, was just me in a way reacting to the feelings of everyone else, not myself over her passing. Because I think back and I just can't be sure...

The idea is a bit uncomfortable. I don't want to think I'm a hollow person, but just that I deal with grief in a way, that's... I don't know. Block it away, let it simmer down to a simple thought, a feeling so light it only barely touches the inner me. And when I occasionally think back on everything, all I feel is slight discomfort over the fact that I'm not crying my eyes out because my family member died, or an old friend, or an acquaintance. It does feel terribly cold. But I don't know what else I should do. Even, do I need to do anything else?

All this because, I got a call from a friend today, telling me that our mutual friend has passed away. It was expected, in a way. She'd had cancer for a long while now, and none of the treatments really stopped it in a way. And yet I feel like everything just happened so quickly. I mean, she was still alive just last week, and now she's gone. How does that happen? Suddenly, out of the blue, the flame of life in someone just.. goes out. A horrible thought.

The positive side is she didn't die suffering. It was peaceful, like falling asleep, never waking up. I'm sure my friend is more shaken about it, than I am. They were closer, afterall. Me and her, well, we'd shared more time together in the past, not so much these days. I'm not sure if I'm going to feel greatly sad now, or maybe a little later.. Or ever. The feelings are there, but .. am I going to let myself wonder over them, or just ignore all that and go about my life like nothing ever happened? Most likely the latter.

I'm not going to tell my friend that, though. As understanding as she is, I doubt she'd quite be okay with that. And I'd rather she be at peace from any exra grievances from me. She's had enough with everything else going on in her life as it is.





Joten... Jos sinua muistelen, Hilu, Helena, muistan kaipauksella. Mikäli se hyväksi nähdään, tavataan taas paratiisissa.